|Headlines: Rush Limbaugh found in opium den.|
Tuesday, June 2, 1998 |
Published by Storm Press Productions (c) Copyright 1998 all rights reserved.
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|YELLOW SUB WINS 4 AWARDS - Public worries Captain may get God complex|
The infamous Yellow Submarine won ART, OFFICIAL'S FAVORITE, BEST PIT CREW, AND BEST STYLE in the first ever Ventura Kinetic Sculpture Race. They also received a standing ovation at the awards banquet from fellow racers insiders say. This all accompanies a race where the Sub Crew were welding at the start line, broke down in the first 1/2 mile, and towed the Sub with the Rescue truck just to make it in time for lunch.
It was not all hard work however since this reporter caught sight of them on the beach taking pictures with bikini clad women (for their swimsuit edition of the now famous calendar), while racers wondered how the heck they had managed to get in front of them. This was in true Yellow Sub form.
Later in the race the sun colored, public spectacle sank in the harbor as a boot blew out, the baffle cracked, and one of the pontoons sank. They came ashore with Pilot Paul Peters and Pilot Tony Schuler inside pedalling completely submerged in the water. Once on shore the added weight of the water bent the rear frame. Shortly thereafter the heroic crew all charged out into the water to help tow in the 18 nearly drowning kids with the monster bicycle based craft and called the Trail Blazers. Once again the Sub's well muscled crew saved the day.
As for the accommodations, They were put up in the Doubletree Hotel and treated like the royalty they are. They ate well, Their fuel was paid for, and they were hailed as celebrities once again. Hobart was there and was happy to see that we were keeping alive that spirit that so often is forgotten and even went so far as to say "Since I can't do this stuff anymore I have to live gratuitously through you guys". It is the people of Ventura who most appreciated these monarchs of male and female aptitude however, as they embraced the Yellow Sub spirit and enthusiasm and soon were all Sub-groupies.
Just the fact that they won Official's favorite says a great deal as to the tone of the race there. It was the Ventura Kinetic Sculpture Race: Starring the Yellow Submarine. Everyone was having a good time and there was little emphasis placed on the speed, or at least it was no longer a major emphasis. Also Our hats off to "Clam I Am" for taking the best overall and earning the coveted Ace Ventura award.
So the question remains, will Captain Chuck take all this in and come out as humble as he has always been? Or will he succumb to the lure of power and run for congress, only time will tell.
Yellow Sub, striking a blow for Chaos, wins the coveted "Glorious Founder Award"
FERNDALE, CA. The infamous crew of the U.S.S. Yellow Submarine Dragged themselves cheering and roaring to a glorious victory at the end of the 1998 Arcata to Ferndale Kinetic Sculpture Race. Crossing the Finish line covered in "slimy slope" mud for the first time ever they appeared as grinning demons. It was like some kind of tribal war paint to these wild men and women and they were ecstatic as they pulled and pedaled their awesome craft across the finish line. This was the first time the Yellow Sub had ever braved the "slimy slope" going against a long standing tradition Captain Chuck was heard to say "For the Glory!!!" Their efforts were rewarded grandly by winning the Glorious Founder Award, the equivalent to a silver medal in this race and even managed to attain a second award unexpectedly, the coveted Second to Last Prize. Pictures of the race are forthcoming in next months issue
Allie Crowse Crashes
TRINIDAD, Ca. Long time speed award winner Allie Lowse crashed his famous "Prisoner on a Lamb" sculpture this week in a freak accident. It seems crouse was attempting to race on his own this year to protest the official race. As he came down a hill, his mountain bike... I mean Kinetic Sculpture, went off course as ally saw a group of young impressionable kids and tried to explain to them why they should not like the yellow sub since it was not an "ace" craft like his stock bike with a lamb head stuck on the front... I mean like his Kinetic Sculpture is. His lack of attention and failure to close his mouth in time ended in his gaging on his own rederick and he swerved off the road into some thinly leaved bushes. Luckily he was not hurt since he had slowed down to talk. Had it happened while he was going at his cheaply disguised racing bike... I mean Kinetic Sculpture's top speed he would most likely have broken the ego barrier.
The Sub needs sponsors!
SACRAMENTO, CA. Inside sources report today that the The U.S.S. YELLOW SUBMARINE is in dire straights. According to insiders the entire crew must pull together and get sponsors one person said today. Since 1994 the record breaking craft and award winning team have pulled together sponsors in support of their cause. This year however the outlook is dismal. With an economy in ruins and Clinton still President, no one can afford to help these community icons in their desperate time of trouble.
EUREKA, Ca.Once again the Yellow Submarine and it's controversial crew have garnered the publics attention. Reports on the famous crew's activities during the holidays are now leaking out and as usual the backlash from the bible belt is strongest. Reverend John H. Sinclair of the First Church of Christ Almighty Mother Mary of Jesus said today in a press conference: " Those Hooligans are polluting our youth and making kids in America into ungrateful, louts that think creative manipulation of courses in school are the norm. Their so called self help book: "life is just a big race, So suck glory and cheat where you can." is the work of Satan and any good moral and upstanding citizen should be able to see that." Reverend Sinclair and a small group of moms who help their children in school sports, also known as the "Athletic Supporters" caused quite a stink outside the mansion of Paul Feist. Mr Feist when asked for comment said only: They suck! We RULE!!